That was the weirdest Oscars ever

Am I wrong? They were boring, lacking in spontaneity, and almost entirely devoid of spice, despite Ben Stiller in a green unitard. They did, however, have Jon Stewart, who was struck the pitch-perfect note between acerbic and acceptable. Arianna will be pleased.

Some thoughts:

Crash??? Wow. GO CANADA! (Lionsgate, baby.)

Robert Altman: Thanks to the thirty-something woman who died so that I could have 40 more years of moviemaking! Except he didn't actually say "thanks."

Jennifer Garner: "I do my own stunts." Best. Recovery. Ever.

I didn't see Brokeback Mountain. No one told me Jake Gyllenhaal sported such a goofy lookin' mustache.

Did no one show Gil Cates those Brokeback parodies? 'Cause it seemed clear to the rest of us that using the same music over and over again creates the same impression. Which may be why there weren't any speeches that really stood out. Jamie Foxx's sing-song speech from last year would not have been possible (remember, last year we weren't annoyed with him). Point being, that irritating music tinkling underneath the speeches did nothing for the show's spontaneity. I've already forgotten all the speeches that didn't have penguins.

Two words: DOLLY.

Two more words: Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep. God, that was fantastic to watch. Memo to Hollywood: More Lily.

As long as we're on the subject, I was loving the 9 to 5 shout-outs. Memo to Hollywood: More Dabney Coleman.

Homoerotic moments from westerns was predictable but hilarious. Even better was Jon's follow up: "Charlton Heston is cut! Guy looks like he's been lifting 20 commandments." Love it.

Was it me, or did Reese's repeated references to "characters" that had been "written" seem to inadequately acknowledge that they were based on real people that "existed?" But, I do love me a Real Woman.

Another Real Woman: Marilyn O'Connor, mother of Best Actor winner Philip Seymour Hoffman: "I'd like it if you see her tonight to congratulate her. She brought up four kids alone and she deserves congratulations for that." Classy and genuine. I wish I could have heard it without that stupid music underneath.

Tom Hanks getting bonked over the head with a viola: excellent. I kind of wish it had been Tom Cruise.

Charlize Theron has an entire other dress on her shoulder.

Line of the night — Jon Stewart praising Spielberg for Schindler's List and Munich: "I think I speak for all Jews when I say, 'I can't wait to see what happens to us next!'"

Steve Martin's weird kids: not funny the first time. With David Letterman: freakin' hilarious. For the record, I did and always will think "Uma/Oprah" was funny.

I hate those AmEx commercials — they're just so smug. And the M. Night Shamalayan one freaked me out. I was actually eating during that commercial. Not so much, after.

Is is hard out here for a pimp.

Clooney for President. Seriously, give it a few years.

Rob Corddry's voiceovers: awesome. Lack of Samantha Bee, anywhere: a blow to Canadians, indeed. Thank God for Lionsgate.

I'm gonna say it: Salma Hayek has a rack that just won't quit.

Runners up: Catherine Keener's hair, Nicole Kidman's dress (is it me or does she have a decidedly ursine look?), Michelle Williams' bold pairing of mustard yellow and bold red lips, Naomi Watts just being drop-dead gorgeous (up in some attic somewhere, a portrait of her is aging). I, on the other hand, am wearing fuzzy gray sweatpants. And a smile.

Poor Baldwin brothers.

Paul Haggis is my new favorite director, even if his name does not evoke my new favorite food: "I just want to thank those people who take big risks in their daily lives when there aren't cameras rolling."

Jon Stewart, ending with "Good Night...and get home safe." Psych! I think he was tempted. I mean, he really loves Clooney.

Liveblogging the Oscars [Defamer]
Liveblogging the Oscars [MSNBC*]

*...which sounds boring but the guy is actually pretty funny. Actually, the MSNBC version is racier than Lisanti's version. That's MSNBC. What's up with that?